He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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