It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
