i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I could fuck to npr.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
