well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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