We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
