Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
