if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't turn off my feet"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
