Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
