Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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