tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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