I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
