she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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