i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
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He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
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Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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