You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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