My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
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i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
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Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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