***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
