I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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