My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
