First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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