Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
