i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
