So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
