honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i came on her dog
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
