did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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