I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I think a kid would responsible me up
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
