dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
