He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
as a side note pls kill me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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