I accidentally had phone sex last night
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
