maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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