remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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