My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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