I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
His nipple licking is glorious
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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