i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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