I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
