i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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