I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
my poor anus
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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