we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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