I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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