I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
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Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
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just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.