she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
