so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
