i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Dear god my vagina.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
