you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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