how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
