OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
