I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
