Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
