hotel room ftw
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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