Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
