Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
