are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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