I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
