The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
