Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
