i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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