Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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