i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
